When I got off the phone in that hallway I already knew what I was going to do. The mastectomy was never really a question for me. I’d watched what happened to my aunt. I knew the numbers. My mind was made up before the genetic counselor finished her sentence.

So when I got home and opened my laptop, I wasn’t Googling “should I have a mastectomy.” I was Googling “what will I look like after” and “can you lift after breast reconstruction” and “how long is the recovery for someone who trains.”

But let’s back up. Because if you’re reading this and you just got your own result, you might still be at the part where you’re trying to figure out what BRCA1 actually is. So here’s what I know, explained the way I wish someone had explained it to me.

The basics

BRCA1 is a gene. Everyone has it. Its job is to produce a protein that helps suppress tumor growth, essentially acting as one of your body’s built in safeguards against cancer. When the gene is working properly you don’t think about it at all. When there’s a mutation, that safeguard is compromised.

Having a BRCA1 mutation doesn’t mean you have cancer. It means your lifetime risk of developing certain cancers, primarily breast and ovarian, is significantly higher than average. The general population has roughly a 12% lifetime risk of breast cancer. With a BRCA1 mutation that number jumps to somewhere between 50 and 72%. For ovarian cancer, the average lifetime risk is about 1 to 2%. With BRCA1 it’s closer to 44%.

Those are the numbers I was sitting with in that hallway. Like I said, I knew exactly what they meant.

Where it comes from

BRCA1 mutations are inherited. You only need to inherit it from one parent for it to affect your risk, which is why my dad testing positive meant all of us needed to get tested too. Each of his children had a 50% chance of inheriting it. Me and two of my sisters did.

This is also why the mutation can show up on either your mother’s or father’s side, and why a family history of breast or ovarian cancer in men matters too. Men with BRCA1 have elevated risks as well, including for breast cancer, though at lower rates than women.

What it doesn’t mean

It doesn’t mean cancer is inevitable. Plenty of people with BRCA1 mutations never develop cancer. It also doesn’t mean you have to do anything specific. There are options ranging from increased surveillance, more frequent mammograms and MRIs, to preventive surgery, and everything in between. What you decide is personal and there is no universally right answer.

For me there was a right answer. But that’s a whole other article.

The Google rabbit hole

Here’s the thing about knowing the science. It doesn’t stop you from spiraling at midnight with seventeen tabs open. I went through all of it. The statistics. The studies. The forums. The before and after photos of reconstructions. The Reddit threads from women asking whether they could still train after mastectomy.

That last one was where my brain kept landing. I was worried about the surgery, yes. I was worried about my sisters. I was carrying the grief of my aunt. But underneath all of that, if I’m being completely honest, I was scared about what my body was going to look like and whether I’d ever be able to train the way I trained before.

That felt uncomfortable to admit for a long time. Like I was supposed to be focused on survival and instead I was thinking about my physique. But I’ve made peace with it. Your fears don’t have to be noble. They just have to be honest. And honestly, my body matters to me. My fitness matters to me. Of course that’s where my mind went.

We’ll get into all of that. But first things first.

If you just got your result and you’re sitting in your own rabbit hole right now, close a few tabs. The statistics are real but they are not your destiny. Get a genetic counselor if you haven’t already. Talk to a surgeon. And give yourself a minute before you start making decisions.

You just got some big news. It’s okay to sit with it for a second.